Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Where's Mine?

Your Genteel Moderator feels that he should reward his loyal readers. Consequently, below you will find a document that should help all of you to claim a share of the proposed $700 billion “bail-out” plan proposed by the President last Friday and currently under debate in Congress. The Bloated Plutocrat and the Bleeding Heart are unfortunately unable to comment this week as they are busy working on their own plans…

Strategic Plan for MyCo Inclusion in Government Bail-Out of Financial Industry

On Friday, September 19, 2008, the President and Treasury Secretary Paulson announced that they would seek Congressional approval for a $700 billion + bail-out of troubled US financial institutions suffering from the home mortgage crisis and related financial woes. It is as yet unclear what criteria will be used to define “troubled financial institutions” eligible for bail-out.

Ensure that MyCo benefits from the bail-out and receives substantial sums of cash from the federal government. The specific monetary objective is four times 2007 earnings.

1. Develop evidentiary support for claim that MyCo has been damaged by the credit crisis and is at risk of bankruptcy;
a. Exchange outstanding bad debt for defaulted mortgages to ensure consideration as bail-out candidate;
b. Hire large number of employees (target: 25,000) and back-date employment to 2007 to ensure their employment status factors into evaluation criteria;
c. Do not pay employees and claim this is because of credit crisis and not the company’s fault.
d. Indentify and fire middle management scapegoat for “mismanagement” of funds;
e. Use employee pension fund to buy stock in financial institutions likely to be bailed-out showing MyCo is clearly inter-linked to troubled financial institutions;

2. Seek opportunities on high profile media (ie CNN, CNBC, MSNBC etc.) for MyCo senior management to explain company’s plight and the importance of federal bail-out ;

3. Activate Harvard and Dartmouth Alumni Association contacts to lobby Paulson on MyCo’s behalf;

4. Provide form letters/e-mails to MyCo employees to contact relevant Congressional Representatives and Senators urging action on their behalf;

Issues for Consideration:
Although MyCo has no current exposure to defaulted mortgages or any of the major financial institutions filing for, or at risk of, bankruptcy, the actions listed under Step 1 above should ensure that MyCo is able to show need by the time any legislation is approved by Congress;

MyCo’s track-record of consistent profit over its lifespan was originally considered a possible hurdle to consideration for bail-out, but review of companies already named as likely bail-out candidates suggest that this is immaterial;

Senior management bonuses may be negatively affected by such a bail-out and the potential for increased government oversight in the future, therefore back-dating mid-year bonuses at a higher than average rate should be considered;

In relation to above, it is possible that MyCo senior executives may at some future date be required to explain what it is they do to merit such large salaries and bonuses. At this time, we have been unable to elicit any comprehensible responses from MyCo senior management.

Annex: Additional Background Information on Bail-Out Plan

1 comment:

Russ said...

It's an idea so crazy that it just might work. Who'da' thunk that adjustable rate mortgages would actually be sold?

Now where can I find 25,000 employees quickly?